So here I am....Well the me I want you see is here anyway. Okay so let's just get to it....Today I am fearless! I have a weight issue....whew....there I said it...plain and simple I struggle with my weight...and since turning 40 it gets harder and harder and harder to lose it. I have been fluctuating between a size 9 and a size 16 over the last three years. I am now in between a 12 and 14 depending on the cut of the pants and it sucks. I admit it....I have a serious self image problem. I have this intense fear of being judged by my weight. It is so intense that it actually keeps me from getting out into the world and being the woman that I know is inside and under all this um....fat. Growing up I was very petite and never struggled with weight. Even after my third child I was able to lose it with minimal activity and diet. I now walk/run three miles most days and I do yoga most days and I eat relatively healthy and still the pounds are hanging on for dear life. I have a hard time looking in the mirror because what I see is not what reflects how I feel inside...I still feel like that active happy-in-her-own-skin, social butterfly that I always was, until I look in the mirror or see a picture of myself and then I revert back into the reclusive hermit that I have let myself become in recent days.
So here I am in all my big body glory! I am coming out of the closet baby! If you don't like it then here's the door...don't let it hit you in the ass on the way out! Okay...so I'm not mean that way....I am hoping that you will still stick around and like me for me! Because let me tell you....it is time for me to stop all the destructive self-judgement and GET REAL!!! This is me!!!! Yes I am Nirvani (aka Jennifer..we'll save that one for another Friday) big and beautiful and I don't give a damn what anyone thinks of my looks. This is just my body...just a body made of flesh and blood and bones....nothing more...it is a shell that house the most beautiful thing on earth! My soul...and I am a Goddess!!
This is not going to be easy and I will still struggle with body image tomorrow and the next day and the next week, but today was a huge step for me admitting this before the world, but to help me get over my fear of body image I am starting a Vlog...yes a Video Blog....coming soon...so I hope you will stick around and see the real me baby! Because she is worth your time and I hope you love her as much as I do:)