Checking in....

O Divine Mother, I Am Thine,

For Thou Art Eternally Mine

     I lay garlands of my devotion, strung with many-hued flowers 

of lofty inspiration, at Thy lotus feet.

     I beheld Thee dancing in the twinkling stars. I glimpsed Thy

scintillating magic in the aurora borealis. I heard the dance of

Thy beating feet in crashing ocean waves as they rushed toward

earth's shores. I marveled at Thy leaps and pirouettes portraying,

on the great stage of time, evolution's fantastic upward sweep. And

I thrill to see, everywhere, excitement and activity in Thy great

drama of all life.

     Alas, Divine Mother! I have yet to behold Thy bliss-faced

 peeping from behind what I now know to be only veils! The thick

clouds of outward appearances are offset by little, teasing hints of

Thy smile, reflected in my breeze-rippled, flickering thoughts.

     How long I have yearned to behold Thee! My yearning burns

with a million tongues of flame. They leap high, and light the vast

firmament of my consciousness. The force that holds together the 

planets binds together also into a heavy ball the burden of my 

self-recognition, holding me to earth. Yet the twinkling stars of my

soul-aspiration spin high overhead, and form a mighty whirlwind

which draws me upward. Their light beams down upon me, 

banishing my shadows of ignorance and dissolving, one by one, all

the crusted limitations that cover my soul. Light transforms the gray

pebbles of my desires into shining crystals reflecting Thy joy.

     By my light of concentrated aspiration, all falseness has been

consumed. Ah, but, Divine Mother, where art Thou? A great void

around me mocked my very yearning.

     "Why?" I asked. And my tears fell--dewdrops of shining light 

from my firmament above. Then at last Thy sweet voice came, 

tender with compassion; I heard Thee say: "Thy very light by which

thou seekest Me is, already, Myself! Thou hast sought Me else-

where than in thyself; yet I am thou! Thou art I! There can never

be aught but thine own Self. I come to thee through thyself.

Worship me as separate, if you like, but know who I am: thy very

own Self! O eternally beloved child, we are one!"

     Mother, how can I thank Thee! I will ever be Thine, for Thou

art eternally mine. Still, I love to behold Thee through my window

of self-understanding as if dancing outside me also; to see Thee

smiling with tantalizing sweetness! Yet I know the dance takes 

place, in truth, only here in my heart. 

~Paramahansa Yogananda


    So sorry I have not been around these last few months. Family concerns and various health issues and, well, life in general has keep me very busy as of late. I hope to be blogging more often as I miss it greatly:) I hope all is well for my fellow kindred spirits out there. Goddess Bless Always!

Jai Maa,
Nirvani

She is a Goddess

~ Artist Rafael Espitia Perea

‎"A goddess is a woman who emerges from deep within herself. She is a woman who has honestly explored her darkness and learned to celebrate her light. She is a woman who is able to fall in love with the magnificent possibilities within her. She is a woman who knows of the magic and mysterious places inside her, the sacred places that can nurture her soul and make her whole. She is a woman who radiates light. She is magnetic. She walks into a room and male and female alike feel her presence. She has power and softness at the same time. She has powerful sexual energy that’s not dependent on physical looks. She has a body that she adores and it shows by the way she comfortably lives and moves in it. She cherishes beauty, light and love. She is a mother to all children. She flows with life in effortless grace. She can heal with a look or a touch of the hand. She is fiercely sensual and fearlessly erotic and engages in sex as her way to share with another in touching the divine. She is compassion and wisdom. She is seeker of Truth and cares deeply about something bigger than herself. She is a woman who knows that her purpose in life is to reach higher and rule with love. She is woman in love with love. She knows that joy is her destiny and by embracing it and sharing it with others, wounds are healed. She is a woman who has come to know that her partner is as tender, lost, and frightened as she has been at times. She has come to understand the scars of the boy in him and knows that together, love can be the relief, the healing of their wounds. She is a woman who can accept herself as she is. She can accept another as they are. She is able to forgive her mistakes and not feel threatened by another’s even when attacked. She is a woman who can ask for help when she needs it or give help when asked. She respects boundaries, hers and another’s. She can see God in another’s eyes. She can see God in her own. She can see God in every life situation. She is woman who takes responsibility for everything she creates in her life. She is a woman who is totally supportive and giving. She is a Goddess."

(Courtesy: Conscious Connections Now )

Finding my Dharmic Path....

(Artist Unknow)

  I embraced Sanatana Dharma nearly two years ago, and I will not say it has been an easy road. For those of you who do not know I am a former member of the Mormon church. In the eyes of the Mormon church I am still a member as I have not had my name removed from the records of the church...I grew up as a very devout Mormon, whereas my husband was a convert. We raised our children as Mormons. The church played front and center in our lives for many years. If I were to say that my Mormon faith defined me as a person, I would not be exaggerating. My husband and I both left the church nearly three years ago. The first year after leaving the church was excruciating to say the least. I had essentially lost my identity as I had always known it. You may wonder why I left in the first place if it played such a big part in my life. I will explain this to the best of my ability, frankly it is more complex than even I realized at the time.
    For the last five years or so before leaving the church I had grown increasingly dissatisfied with my Mormon life. One thing I have never done or never will do is blame the church for my choice to leave...It was in the Mormon faith where I truly learned to love God and develop a deep spirituality. I also made lasting and loving friendships there. My children had good lives within the structure of the Mormon youth program. It was a good life, but over the years it felt more and more as if we were constantly trying to please the church and less and less on giving to our family. For anyone who knows about the Mormon faith, service is everything, service in the form of callings. These callings are considered to be direct calls from God so we were encouraged to accept them because we were doing what the Lord wanted us to do. There were times when these callings consumed every bit of our time and energy. My husband worked many hours and then gave what little time he had left to his callings. I will not speak for my husband here as this is my perspective.
      For some time I began to feel as if I were just going through the motions and with what was expected as a devout member I constantly felt that I was falling short and would put a tremendous amount of guilt on myself for this. Unlike my spiritual path now, Mormons are taught to essentially accept all of its doctrine and not question...Well they are told to pray about whether its doctrine is true, but if you did not get an answer in the affirmative you were just not praying long enough and if you did not feel that something was true you were not listening to the holy ghost/spirit. Just as in most orthodox religions, you are not suppose to question the authority of the church, as in its teachings, scripture or prophets. Some may call this blind faith, as in you are expected to believe without direct experience. The Mormon church does believe itself to be the one and only true Abrahamic faith on the earth. So it was expected of one to believe in every teaching, no matter how small. So I did what every other good Mormon did, I accepted all teachings as divine revelation directly from God.
     One Sunday I woke up and decided I would not attend church, and just like that I never went back. I struggled mightily for the first year. I felt such intense guilt that I thought God would strike me down or that terrible things would happen to me. The only terrible things to happen was of my own making, and yes I created a massive amount of pain and suffering in my life of which I will not get into here. God did not punish me in any way....But I sure did punish myself. After about a year I began to look into other religions and spiritual paths. When I left the church I had decided, as did my husband, that we would leave Christianity altogether. For those of you who do not believe that Mormons are Christians, Jesus Christ is the center pinnacle of the Mormon faith. We did all things in his name. He was my personal Savior as in my sins could not be forgiven but through him, if I were willing to repent.

(Picture of my Alter  early on....it is still a work in progress)

     I studied paganism for a while, but just could not relate with it. I looked at Buddism, but it felt so impersonal...then one day I began reading about Sanatana Dharma. At first I could not wrap my mind around the idea of reincarnation, as that went against anything I had ever been taught. Also my concept of God was of a loving Father in Heaven who was watching over me from above. I read more, but became overwhelmed with the Hindu teachings, so I put it aside for a while....but I would again find myself being pulled toward it. I would see Indian Hindus in town or would come across articles online about India and Hinduism. Once again I would find myself reading, with even more intensity than before. I felt so isolated in my studies as I did not know any Hindus or even how to go about meeting them, but this did not deter me. I continued reading, and I began to meditate and eventually created a sacred space in my home where I would go and do devotions. I seemed to be drawn to the aspect of the Divine Mother more than any other. I chalked this up to the fact that I grew up in a very patriarchal church where men essential did the majority of governing and my personal God was male. At first it was a bit unnerving to talk to Deity in the aspect of Mother, but with time it became quite natural...and now I just love talking to my Mother and giving devotions to her. It gives me this sense of empowerment as a woman myself to know that shakti is feminine in power and that I could tap into that.
     I cannot say I have exactly found my place in Sanatana Dharma as of yet. There are so many paths within  Hinduism and there is a wealth of scriptural texts in Sanskrit...and although most of the texts have been translated to English, it is not that simple to know who's translations are correct. There is no main authoritative center in Hinduism. There are countless Spiritual Masters, gurus and teachers. I have read and studies voraciously and have finally come to what I would say is my own personal belief. I wholeheartedly believe in the principles of Karma and Reincarnation. These concepts make absolute perfect sense to me. Although I do devote myself to the worship of the Divine Mother, I always include the masculine aspect of Divinity in my worship, mostly in the form of of Shiva. My logical mind and deepest intuition has led me to the path of Advaita Vedanta. It resonates with me more than any other thing I have every been taught in my life. I still as of yet have never been to any Hindu Temple other than the ISKCON temple once. For now I practice my path on my own. My family support me in my journey, most especially my dear husband. He is on his own spiritual journey and I try very hard to support him with that as well.
     I look forward to the day that I can attend a Hindu Temple and receive blessings there. I hope to one day actually make Hindu friends in person. This is not an easy path...Where Buddhism has become very popular in the West, Hinduism is still trying to take a hold. It can be very intimidating for a Westerner to attend a temple where they may be a total minority. I hope that I will be received with kindness. I have a profound respect for this faith and cannot imagine my life without it now...I am learning and growing in it every day and feel that I am truly following my Dharmic Path. Somehow I know that the Divine Mother is guiding me every step of the way. Tat Tvam Asi...I AM THAT.


Om Shanti Shanti Shanti,
Nirvani
     

Little Reminders....

~When you are calm and at peace within, you love everyone and feel friendly toward all.!

Paramahamsa Yogananda

     Today my heart is full...Everything is bringing me to tears...not tears of sadness, but of joy...of bliss....I just love these days...when I can especially see things more clearly..as if the Universe has seen fit to open a  portal directly to my heart and is connecting me with the Divine Mother...I feel this overwhelming unconditional love for everything and everyone within my scope...

    I have been reading a book by Eknath Easwaran called Take Your Time: How to Find Patience, Peace and Meaning...He talks of living in the present. Not just living in the present, living each moment fully, giving our full attention to whatever we may be engaged in at present. Focusing our thoughts on one thing at a time and giving complete attention to it. So I have been thinking about this quite a bit and am working diligently on trying to put this into practice in my day to day life....it is not an easy thing to do and takes much time and consistent focus. 

   This morning during my daily japa and meditation I got to thinking about how important it is to give my full attention to my husband and children when they need it most from me...I tend to listen to them half-heartedly a good deal of the time because my thoughts are elsewhere. So this morning when my sweet little granddaughter wanted to sit on my lap while I was busy on the computer, I just stopped doing what I was doing and gave my full undivided attention to her, and she just snuggled up to me...and you know what? It just warmed my heart and made me feel the most incredible peace and happiness inside my soul...

     I am very grateful for the little day to day gifts that the Divine Mother gives me as a reminder to how precious life is and how very blessed I am...It can be that gentle sweet kiss from my sweetheart, a tender hug from my granddaughter, a beautiful melody that I happen upon, or the caressing touch of a soft breeze on my face that invokes such a deep feeling of bliss inside...it is these wonderful little gifts that act as reminders to the Divinity that each of us carries within us....just for today...I would urge each of you to stop for just a moment and take a deep breath and just be....be in the moment...and listen...you might just be surprised that the Divine Mother has a little reminder for you too:-)

OM Shanti,

Jennifer Renee