Surrendering vs. Submitting

This morning I had one of my many moments of clarity and I thought I might try to convey it to you in a way that you can best understand my thoughts. I was thinking about how human beings have the need to submit to the desires of the flesh, whether they be sex or alcohol or any other addictive behavior. I once read somewhere that every extreme behavior is just a manifestation of the soul trying to find its way back to Source/God/Goddess/Universe/Love. The mind is incapable of understanding what we truly are beyond the body and senses; this is why the mind must be surpassed to find our true essence. The mind/ego likes to act out in its never-ending thirst for thrills.

Everything we engage in, even the most extreme unhealthy behavior is a part of our spiritual evolution, whether we are aware of it or not. When we indulge in unhealthy activities, the mind/ego is appeased for a short time, until the longing comes back and we continue to indulge due to the impossibility of permanent satisfaction. We will never find satisfaction in the behavior, and we mistake submission for surrender. Submitting is giving in to the desire and allowing the desire to take control of the body. Surrendering is letting go of the control of the mind/ego to make decisions for us and letting the intuitive heart guide our actions.

Once we become aware of what is controlling us and accept responsibility for our actions we are then in a place of real spiritual growth. Just the mere self-confession is a step forward on the path of surrendering. We can then see more clearly that everything is Shiva/God nature, including the dark and lustful passions within us. In the past, I would beat myself up for the less savory tendencies that would consume me at times, pushing them further into my psyche, repressing them for a time, until the desire became so great that I would submit to the will of the mind/ego. This would happen over and over again.

I can’t say that I have already learned to surrender completely. I would be lying to myself if I did. Surrendering to Love is no easy process. As flowery as that might sound, surrendering to Love is just another way of surrendering to the Source. The mind/ego will keep us in a constant loop until we eventually stop submitting to its will. Knowing this now, I have developed a much deeper compassion for the addictive behavior in myself and others. I am less critical of others now and have learned that part of surrendering is not just loving others, but most of all loving myself just as I am, addictions and all.

Om, Aham prema...

Nirvani

My Journey into Hinduism

   

 For several years now I have identified myself as a believer in Sanatan Dharma. Sometimes I feel comfortable referring to myself as a Hindu, and yet other times I feel quite uncomfortable. I'll explain why shortly. Embracing the Hindu philosophy has been quite simple for me really. The moment I began reading The Upanishads something awoke inside of me. I had this incredible moment, or moments I should say, of absolute clarity that what I was reading was truth, and it made complete sense. I was giddy with excitement about it for days. I read The Upanishads every night to my husband before bed. I'll always cherish those first moments of discovery with him.
   
      As any convert to a new religion knows, I was quite overwhelmed in the beginning. I read everything I could get my hands on regarding Hinduism. My mind was flooded with the immense history and rich culture that comprises the oldest religion in the world. There were many times when I thought to myself, 'What are you doing? This is madness, you are not from India, you have nothing in common with this religion and these people!' I would put my books away for a while and go about my daily life pretending that I was not seeking anything, that I was content with my life the way it was. This would only last maybe a week or two at a time until I was once again drawn back to my spiritual seeking.

    I grew up from childhood until I was the age of 40 as a Latter Day Saint, or Mormon. My religious upbringing has had a great deal of influence on the spiritually inclined woman I am today and I am very grateful for that. Leaving the Mormon religion was not easy for me. I had grown to be quite devout and unquestioning of my faith. But over the years I had become increasingly dissatisfied with it and the self-guilt was at times unbearable. My husband, who was himself a convert to Mormonism, had already lost faith in the church philosophy long before we left, he chose not to tell me his true feelings about it as he did not want to let me down. This is all I will say about our departure from the Mormon religion since I want to focus my thoughts here on my views as a Western convert to Hinduism.

    The reason I have struggled with calling myself a Hindu is the mere fact of not quite knowing where I fit into the Hindu structure. I have never been through a formal conversion and embarrassingly enough have only attended one temple in all this time I have been studying. I live in Hawaii and the only temple that I know of on Oahu is an ISKCON temple. My husband and I had a lovely visit there, but I have not returned. Mainly, because I do not identify myself as Vaishnav. I know that there is a great deal of controversy around the ISKCON movement. Having looked into this particular sect of Hinduism, it just did not resonate with me.

    Over the years I continued to read and study. I began a meditation practice that included japa mantra. I found I enjoyed chanting immensely. Oftentimes I would come away from my practice with intense feelings of bliss that would last for several days. Although I had fully accepted Hindu philosophy, I still was unsure of what sect I should follow and would never quite commit myself to any one sect in particular. I was very drawn toward the teachings of Spiritual Masters such as Paramahansa Yogananda and Vivekananda. I think mainly for the reason that both of these men had come to the West and were adept in teaching Westerners. I felt comfortable with them as a Westerner. I have studied the full works of both of these men and love them deeply.

      Over the last year in particular, I have begun to finally narrow down my own spiritual path in Hinduism. I feel a great pull toward the Divine Feminine aspect of God. This may very well be because of having been raised in a deeply patriarchal spiritual community and culture. It has been so refreshing for me to see God as the mother aspect, such as Maa Durga and Maa Kali. Although it was strange at first, it now feels so right. Through some very unusual, rather synchronistic events over the last year I have been lead to study the teachings of Kashmiri Shaivism and it resonates with me deeply. I have decided to focus my worship on this particular sect of Hinduism.

     I am a Hindu-by-choice. I like that term. If you think of the countless people born and raised in a given religion, many of them practice half-heartedly or not at all by the time they are adults. People who seek and embrace a spiritual path on their own tend to be very devout in their practice. When something is just given to you you tend to take it for granted, but when you earn it on your own with much effort it tends to be very precious to you. I am fully convinced that I was led to the dharma. It found me. The Universe willed it. I like to think that I procured some pretty good karma to have been led to this path. I could not turn my back on it now if I tried, it would haunt me forever. I now do not see Sanatan Dharma as a particular culture or birthright. It is for all humankind. For a while I thought it was necessary for me to embrace another culture to be called Hindu, but now I know that that is wrong. I can be who I am, love my own heritage and still be a Hindu in my heart.

    I am still fine tuning my own ritual practice. I may not be following every ritual custom perfectly, but I am working on it. I study voraciously and plan to attend the Hindu Monastery Himalayan Academy on Kauai within the next year and hope to call this my home temple. I am also studying Ayurvedic medicine, while working to incorporate it into my lifestyle. I practice vegetarianism. The day I found Hinduism, was the day I opened a Pandora's Box. Life has never been the same for me. I feel in my heart that I am on a spiritual journey back home and it is only through the dharmic path of yoga that I will get there. I have had very little face to face contact with other Hindus and I greatly look forward to the day that I will have that opportunity. For the time being, I rely greatly on my online Hindu family. I have met some amazing Hindus from around the world. I hope one day to be able to travel to India, and experience that magical land. I owe so much to the great sages who have left a wealth of sacred writings for us in the modern age.

My heart belongs to Shiva,

Om Shanti,
Nirvani

   

    

White Hindu Converts: Mimicry or Mockery? (Article)

  White Hindu Converts: Mimicry or Mockery?

 Here is an article published in the Huffington Post regarding White Westerners converting to Hinduism and mimicking  the stereotypical or 'imagined' archetype of Indian Hindu culture. I will say for myself, that first off I did not just choose to embrace Hinduism...it chose me. Why should I go against what I feel in my heart and soul is my Dharma. It has nothing to do with my culture or the Indian culture. I believe very deeply in the philosophy of Sanatana Dharma, Vedanta to be precise. Should I call myself a Hindu? I doubt myself every day. I ask myself all the time if I am somehow just pretending, but then I read Hindu scripture or words from Hindu gurus and it dissolves my doubts for a time. I do not question the philosophy, what I question is do I belong in the Hindu culture. I know in India Hinduism pervades ever aspect of life both religious and secular...where in the United States religion is thought of as aside from secular life.
      I would in no way mock Hinduism...at least not intentionally and it troubles me to think that Hindus would even think that of me. Yes I would like to fit in with them, but I do not feel the need to do it just to claim that I am a Hindu. My spirituality is very personal to me and no one...absolutely no one can take that from me. I still embrace my own culture, and am working to integrate parts of my new Hindu beliefs into my own culture at home. I am always looking to those born into Hinduism for guidance. Those I have met online have been very welcoming and honestly quite loving...they have no idea how grateful I am for that.
     I feel as if I am part of something bigger in respect to being one of the few Western Hindus out there, and with that I feel a great responsibility in living a Hindu life that bares integrity and genuineness. I know I have a good following of Hindus out of India here on my blog and am always open to discussion...and would love to hear from many of you and what your thoughts may be on this matter. I look at each of you as my brother and sister in Dharma.
      If Vedanta was not meant to be spread throughout the world then great men like Swami Vivekananda and Paramahansa Yogananda would never have brought it to the West. Hinduism culturally may not be for everyone, but who holds claim to Vedanta? It is what every human being is...it is our birthright.

Tat Tvam Asi,
Nirvani

Finding my Dharmic Path....

(Artist Unknow)

  I embraced Sanatana Dharma nearly two years ago, and I will not say it has been an easy road. For those of you who do not know I am a former member of the Mormon church. In the eyes of the Mormon church I am still a member as I have not had my name removed from the records of the church...I grew up as a very devout Mormon, whereas my husband was a convert. We raised our children as Mormons. The church played front and center in our lives for many years. If I were to say that my Mormon faith defined me as a person, I would not be exaggerating. My husband and I both left the church nearly three years ago. The first year after leaving the church was excruciating to say the least. I had essentially lost my identity as I had always known it. You may wonder why I left in the first place if it played such a big part in my life. I will explain this to the best of my ability, frankly it is more complex than even I realized at the time.
    For the last five years or so before leaving the church I had grown increasingly dissatisfied with my Mormon life. One thing I have never done or never will do is blame the church for my choice to leave...It was in the Mormon faith where I truly learned to love God and develop a deep spirituality. I also made lasting and loving friendships there. My children had good lives within the structure of the Mormon youth program. It was a good life, but over the years it felt more and more as if we were constantly trying to please the church and less and less on giving to our family. For anyone who knows about the Mormon faith, service is everything, service in the form of callings. These callings are considered to be direct calls from God so we were encouraged to accept them because we were doing what the Lord wanted us to do. There were times when these callings consumed every bit of our time and energy. My husband worked many hours and then gave what little time he had left to his callings. I will not speak for my husband here as this is my perspective.
      For some time I began to feel as if I were just going through the motions and with what was expected as a devout member I constantly felt that I was falling short and would put a tremendous amount of guilt on myself for this. Unlike my spiritual path now, Mormons are taught to essentially accept all of its doctrine and not question...Well they are told to pray about whether its doctrine is true, but if you did not get an answer in the affirmative you were just not praying long enough and if you did not feel that something was true you were not listening to the holy ghost/spirit. Just as in most orthodox religions, you are not suppose to question the authority of the church, as in its teachings, scripture or prophets. Some may call this blind faith, as in you are expected to believe without direct experience. The Mormon church does believe itself to be the one and only true Abrahamic faith on the earth. So it was expected of one to believe in every teaching, no matter how small. So I did what every other good Mormon did, I accepted all teachings as divine revelation directly from God.
     One Sunday I woke up and decided I would not attend church, and just like that I never went back. I struggled mightily for the first year. I felt such intense guilt that I thought God would strike me down or that terrible things would happen to me. The only terrible things to happen was of my own making, and yes I created a massive amount of pain and suffering in my life of which I will not get into here. God did not punish me in any way....But I sure did punish myself. After about a year I began to look into other religions and spiritual paths. When I left the church I had decided, as did my husband, that we would leave Christianity altogether. For those of you who do not believe that Mormons are Christians, Jesus Christ is the center pinnacle of the Mormon faith. We did all things in his name. He was my personal Savior as in my sins could not be forgiven but through him, if I were willing to repent.

(Picture of my Alter  early on....it is still a work in progress)

     I studied paganism for a while, but just could not relate with it. I looked at Buddism, but it felt so impersonal...then one day I began reading about Sanatana Dharma. At first I could not wrap my mind around the idea of reincarnation, as that went against anything I had ever been taught. Also my concept of God was of a loving Father in Heaven who was watching over me from above. I read more, but became overwhelmed with the Hindu teachings, so I put it aside for a while....but I would again find myself being pulled toward it. I would see Indian Hindus in town or would come across articles online about India and Hinduism. Once again I would find myself reading, with even more intensity than before. I felt so isolated in my studies as I did not know any Hindus or even how to go about meeting them, but this did not deter me. I continued reading, and I began to meditate and eventually created a sacred space in my home where I would go and do devotions. I seemed to be drawn to the aspect of the Divine Mother more than any other. I chalked this up to the fact that I grew up in a very patriarchal church where men essential did the majority of governing and my personal God was male. At first it was a bit unnerving to talk to Deity in the aspect of Mother, but with time it became quite natural...and now I just love talking to my Mother and giving devotions to her. It gives me this sense of empowerment as a woman myself to know that shakti is feminine in power and that I could tap into that.
     I cannot say I have exactly found my place in Sanatana Dharma as of yet. There are so many paths within  Hinduism and there is a wealth of scriptural texts in Sanskrit...and although most of the texts have been translated to English, it is not that simple to know who's translations are correct. There is no main authoritative center in Hinduism. There are countless Spiritual Masters, gurus and teachers. I have read and studies voraciously and have finally come to what I would say is my own personal belief. I wholeheartedly believe in the principles of Karma and Reincarnation. These concepts make absolute perfect sense to me. Although I do devote myself to the worship of the Divine Mother, I always include the masculine aspect of Divinity in my worship, mostly in the form of of Shiva. My logical mind and deepest intuition has led me to the path of Advaita Vedanta. It resonates with me more than any other thing I have every been taught in my life. I still as of yet have never been to any Hindu Temple other than the ISKCON temple once. For now I practice my path on my own. My family support me in my journey, most especially my dear husband. He is on his own spiritual journey and I try very hard to support him with that as well.
     I look forward to the day that I can attend a Hindu Temple and receive blessings there. I hope to one day actually make Hindu friends in person. This is not an easy path...Where Buddhism has become very popular in the West, Hinduism is still trying to take a hold. It can be very intimidating for a Westerner to attend a temple where they may be a total minority. I hope that I will be received with kindness. I have a profound respect for this faith and cannot imagine my life without it now...I am learning and growing in it every day and feel that I am truly following my Dharmic Path. Somehow I know that the Divine Mother is guiding me every step of the way. Tat Tvam Asi...I AM THAT.


Om Shanti Shanti Shanti,
Nirvani
     

I Am Here......

I Am Here

Alone I roamed by the ocean's shore,
And watched
     The wrestling waves in brawling roar--
Bounding with Thine own restless life.
I saw Thee in Thy angry mood, tossing and foaming
Until the very vastness of Thy wrath made me shiver
And turn away in dread from so much violence and strife.
And then I walked inland.
     A kindly, spreading, sentinel tree
Waved friendly arms to comfort me--
Consoling me with gentler look sublime,
Its leaves and branches swayed in tender lullaby-rhyme,
Conveying a message that I knew was Thine.
Above me, high
     I saw the gaugeless, mystic sky;
And, childlike, in dim valleys I sought to pry out
Thy secrets, and to play with Thee.
In vain, alas, did I seek Thee hiding there,
Cloud-robed, foam-sprayed, leaf-garlanded--
Too elusive for mortal eyes to see or ears to hear.
And yet,
     I knew that Thou wert always near,
As if playing hide-and-seek with me,
Receding each time when I almost touched Thee.
I groped for Thee in the maddeningly complex folds
Of dark ignorance--as old as time itself is old.
At last--
     I ceased my search, almost in despair:
What hope had I of finding Thee,
Thou Royal, Sly Eluder!
Thou art, I know, everywhere--
Yet Thou seemest nowhere: lost in unplumbed space,
Where none may clasp Thee or behold Thy face!
Yes, despairing,
     I ceased my fruitless search,
Turned huffily away from Thee:
My ploy was unsuccessful!
Still, still no answer from the wrathful sea,
And only whispers from the friendly tree;
Naught but silence from the limitless blue sky--
Silence from valleys low and mountains high!
Like a hurt child, within the depths of me
I hid and sulked--no longer seeking Thee.
And then, lo! suddenly:
     Unheralded, an Unseen Hand
Snatched from my eyes that all-black band
Which had blinded me so long with fold on fold.
No longer weary, but filled with strength untold,
I stood, and gazed again:
A laughing sea instead of wrathful roars!
A gay, glad world with mystically opening doors!
With only mists of dreams between,
Someone beside me stood unseen--
And whispered to me, calm and clear:
"Hello, playmate! I am here!"

Paramahansa Yogananda Whispers from Eternity


Jai Mata Di,
Nirvani

Bhagavad Gita for Daily Living....

      I've read the Bhagavad Gita several times from Eknath Easwaran's translation and commentary of the Gita. I was looking for a source for more in depth study of the Gita and ordered Paramahansa Yogananda's version a while back, which I must say is a magnificent work of commentary. Yogananda's version is a much more complex study and probably suited to the more adept in Hindu scripture. I recently came across Eknath Easwaran's version, which is a three volume study of the Bhagavad Gita for Daily Living and am so impressed with it that I use it daily. The commentary is a collection of lectures on each verse that was meticulously transcribed from his classes taught at Berkeley University. It is a wonderful work in study for all levels of Hindu scriptural learning. I highly recommend this addition  to anyone's spiritual library.
     

     
      Eknath Easwaran was a wonderful human being, who contributed vastly to the spiritual upliftment of many souls. He was extremely adept at bringing Eastern philosophy to the Western mind. We have received many great commentaries from past Self-realized Masters, but Eknath's unique perspective comes from  a devoted Householder. He was a loyal husband and father who contributed to the spiritual growth of mankind through academia. He was fiercely committed to the principles of meditation and yoga. His work is carried on still today by many who have been inspired by his simple and common sense approach to living the spiritual life in the modern world.


Jai Mata Di!
Nirvani

I'm back:)

From the beginning of my life

I have been looking for your face

but today I have seen it

Today I have seen

the charm, the beauty,

the unfathomable grace

of the face

that I was looking for

Today I have found you

and those who laughed

and scorned me yesterday

are sorry that they were not looking

as I did

I am bewildered by the magnificence

of your beauty

and wish to see you

with a hundred eyes

My heart has burned with passion

and has searched forever

for this wondrous beauty

that I now behold

I am ashamed

to call this love human

and afraid of God

to call it divine

Your fragrant breath

like the morning breeze

has come to the stillness of the garden

You have breathed new life into me

I have become your sunshine

and also your shadow

My soul is screaming in ecstasy

Every fiber of my being

is in love with you

Your effulgence

has lit a fire in my heart

for me

the earth and sky

My arrow of love

has arrived at the target

I am in the house of mercy

and my heart

is a place of prayer

~Rumi

     Hello my dear friends! I have been off the internet for nearly a month and a half and I am finally coming back. It has been marvelous! I quite literally walked away from almost everything in the technical world. I even quit watching television for a good deal of the time I was on my Solitude Sabbatical. My sadhana up to this point has been very deep and revealing for me. I cannot say that I am even close to where I want to be on a spiritual level, but I am at least a few steps closer:) I fight a great deal with myself. I was telling my husband just today that I am my own worst enemy. It is a fierce inner battle for me to reconcile my outer life with my inner most regions. Yes, at the age of 43 I am still trying to find myself. I can attest to all of you young people out there, the older you get the harder it is to create positive change in your life and rid yourself of old habits. They can plague you and just when you think you have finally won the war they rear their ugly little heads once again. This is reminiscent of Sri Krishna's words to Arjuna in the Bhagavad Gita:

When you let your mind heed the Siren call of

the senses, they will carry away your better judgment

as storms drive a boat off its safe-charted course to

certain doom.

Use all your power to set the senses free from

attachment and aversion alike, and live in the full

wisdom of the Self.

    It is a curious thing to find one's self continuing on in some bad habit and finding no will to resist. I have come to the conclusion that it is virtually impossible to resist the senses without the help of some higher power, and I don't mean up there somewhere in the sky. I refer to that 'inner power' of the higher Self. So how to draw it out and draw upon it? For me it is quite literally turning heart and soul in devotion to my ishta devata...she being the Divine Mother of the Universe...Maa.

      It is an interesting thing to see mysticism working in one's life. I use the word mysticism because, well to be frank, there just is no other way to explain the many little events that happen in a single day, week, or month that are unexplainable miracles. Each day I implore the Mother to manifest in my daily life. That I may see her work evident in me and all around me, and every time I witness some little synchronicity I just smile and say to myself, 'Maa is teaching me again'. It is only through the Divine Feminine that we are able to achieve anything. We cannot succeed in life without the Goddess's grand play of shakti. Even if we do not acknowledge it, it still exists. 

       I know that there are many types of sadhana for many different personalities, for me japa mantra is the most powerful. I sometimes think I could chant all day:) There are times when I have been chanting for a while and I close my eyes and I can feel the sacred sanskrit words penetrating my very being....vibrating through me. At those times I feel so alive and at one with everything around me. I have been working with a mantra over the last two weeks that is quite powerful. It is called the Maha Ganapathi Step Mantra. I chose this mantra because I just adore Lord Ganesha and know he is the great remover of obstacles...and with the obstacles I am trying to overcome I knew I needed a real doozy of a mantra...hehehe.

Om Swaha

Om Shreem Swaha

Om Shreem Hreem Swaha

Om Shreem Hreem Kleem Swaha

Om Shreem Hreem Kleem Glaum Swaha

Om Shreem Hreem Kleem Glaum Gam Swaha

Om Shreem Hreem Kleem Glaum Gam Ganapatayei Swaha

Om Shreem Hreem Kleem Glaum Gam Ganapatayei Vara Varada Swaha

Om Shreem Hreem Kleem Glaum Gam Ganapatayei Vara Varada 

      Sarva Janam Me Vasham Swaha

(Each line is repeated from 3 to 108 repetitions counted out on the mala beads...when repeating each line 108 times it takes roughly 90 minutes) 

      Japa mantra is an incredible mystical form of worship that can bring about amazing results in one's life. I can attest to its great power. It is always wise to seek counsel when engaging in sanskrit mantra. There are many mantras that are quite popular and are considered tried and true such as the Gayatri Mantra, which is my favorite of all mantras. I chant it daily during devotions and through out the day. You can find many great books about mantra. Two of my favorite authors, who happen to be adepts in the field of mantra are Swami Vamadeva Shastri (Dr. David Frawley) and Namadeva (Thomas Ashley-Farrand). They are both very respected voices throughout the mystic community. It is my dream to attend a retreat sponsered by Vamadeva Shastri and his wife Shambhavi Lorain Chopra, who happens to be a mystic yogini herself.

        I will continue my mantra practice for at least 40 days if not more and feel quite confident that it will reap great results in my life. I am truly grateful to my beloved Maa for guiding me on my life's journey. I would implore anyone to find your own personal mantra and repeat it daily, for strength to overcome and as a reminder that you are a Divine Being having a human experience, that you are not your body or your mind. Do not let your outer self convince you that it is what you truly are, you are your 'inner Self, the Soul and it is the soul's purpose to find its way back to the Source. 

Tat Tvam Asi and Jai Mata Di!

Nirvani